Space Empires Evil Ruler Handbook|
Evil Rulers Association of Space Empires
As an ongoing effort to assist the new fledgling warlords of the galaxy we, the Supreme Evil Rulers of the Universe, have banded together to form this doctrine that shall from this day forth be known as the Space Empires Evil Ruler Handbook. This document is a guideline to become the most powerful Evil Ruler in the known universe. Take from it what you can, donate what you may, but never underestimate its value.
Copy write 2004 – Evil Rulers Association of Space Empires (E.R.A.S.E.).
E.R.A.S.E. Founding Members:
1.If your most feared enemy comes alone to your home world and wants to fight you to the death, simply order your ships to destroy his.
2. If your enemies leave you a huge horse as a war trophy after having apparent beaten them, destroy it where it stands. Do not take it back to your home world!
3. Glassing a planet is the cheap alternative to landing troops.
3 A. Glassing a planet is the cheap alternative >>to landing troops.
Glass the planet with Napalm. Burning aliens make funny noises
4. When they say they come in peace, don't believe them.
5. If they run during combat, chase them down and destroy them.
6. NEVER trust your ministers to rule your empire better than you.
7. Mine fields are a great for protecting planets early in your empires history.
8. When choosing racial traits for your empire, choose wisely.
9. When your ally sends a bunch of lone ship into your Home system, and parks it near your sun, DESTROY IT IMMEDATELY!
10. If your ally has what you want, declare war upon him and take it by force.
11. When encountering a new race, first destroy his ship, then offer him a treaty. This is called Gun Boat diplomacy.
12. Encourage your enemies to colonize within your space. Then land troops on their planets and collect your new slaves.
13. A partnership treaty gives you excellent intelligence with which to plan an attack - and you can even re-supply your fleet with their food and fuel first.
14. Start your career from choosing name for yourself and your empire: Malevolent Tyrant of Hatred Stars is not the best name for treacherous villain like you. Philanthropic Patron of Enlightened Democracy is much better.
15. Dark obscure nebulas are friends of Evil Ruler. Find those of them that lie near your rival's Homeworld, and then send space yard ship there. When you'll be in the position to conquer the galaxy your ships won't need to bypass border defenses and could tear up the heart of enemy empire quickly.
16. Never play in a PBW game with anyone else who posts on this thread.
17. If you and your long time ally are stand together against powerful enemy, make your friend a proposal to take over his fleets in order to use the combined forces against your common foe. As soon as you get all the ships - invade your ally's space with his own ships and capture his planets. Such a credulous ruler like him has no right to existence.
18. Never forget to extensively mine alien race's homeworld and colonies (especially the ones with shipyards) while under treaty BEFORE you enslave them. It is only for your future slave's protection -- think of the children/nestlings/whatever!
19. Teach your people to be accustomed to getting by with less. Savvy politics is for losers. Likewise Radioactives and organics.
20. If I do need to ensure the safety of a given ship, I will make sure this give has several backups components. Therefore, a Star Destroyer will not have a single Self Destruct Device, but at least five of them to prevent the ship from falling in enemy hands.
21. Likewise, such a decision will to lessen the odds for the crew to disable the said devices, if they would rather surrender than die in the explosion resulting from the self-destruction.
22. If a trade partner has something of value for me, I will not declare war to get this thing. Instead, I will trade for it (by exchanging ships) and will afterwards destroy the ship I have just gifted to this partner. Therefore, I will get this technology to help my Empire in the war to come, without having to grant anything in exchange. (The meanest players may very well build a decoy ship instead, but I wouldn't advice doing so)
23. Contrary to the general belief among Evil Overlords, allies do have their use, as they will do the dirty work on my behalf. Building up distrust between my allies, or any other alliance, does work for the daring Overlord, as long as I make sure nobody fathoms my schemes.
24. Likewise, it is advised to make common cause with weaker Empires than my own, since stronger allies may very well have high demands and will do their best to keep my Empire in check. On the other hand, such an alliance would be a boon for a weak Empire, thus allowing me to exploit them in every possible way. I will remember to limit their own expansion however, as they might be too willing to turn their backs on me at the earliest opportunity.25: As many of my colleagues have forgotten (even if only their graves are now a testimony of their mistake; when a grave remains to tell about their rule), I will establish rules on the numbers of children a family is allowed to have on every single world. As soon as the population nears fifty million inhabitants, I will forbid all procreation, for otherwise I would not be able to evacuate this planet at once if an enemy was threatening it.
26. If I intend to capture an enemy world myself, I will make sure to glass a few other planets belonging to the same Empire. Indeed, my new thralls are eager to revolt, and so I need to convince them that their fate is much more enviable than the one of their brothers and sisters. Killing most of them would be the perfect remedy to put these thralls to good work, without having to fear riots or uprisings.
27. Nobility is not to be mixed with politics, and so I will not let emotion pervert wisdom. Therefore, if I have an asset at my disposal, I will use it even if it is said to be "unbalancing" and other such silliness. Moreover, I will not give my ships an inherent weakness to give my opponents the slightest chance of winning.
28. However, it doesn't excuse allowing the defeated Empires to live in peace once they have decided to surrender to my might. In fact, I must crush any leader daring to oppose my righteous rule, but I must also help him to get up once he has fallen to his knees. It will give me a better reputation, as my neighbors will realize I am to be trusted. At least, until I have the strength to destroy them all, and this time there will be no surrender, cease-fire or any kind of treaty. (It is to be noted that I will want to weaken an Empire willing to sue for peace before giving my assent to his request; after all, he is likely to oppose me in the future, and I do not need to let him remain a threat)
29. I would never send a message, like "My awesome armadas are moving to your system XXX to grind it into dust! You're doomed, muawahahaha!", to my enemy before general attack. Those good rulers are sometime sly enough to disturb the best evil plan, so I won't give them an additional chance.
29 A. IF you send such a message, make sure your armada of doom is heading to system YYY, while his fleets are massing to defend XXX, where a cloaked sun destroyer should be waiting for his day of glory.
30. For the sneakiest Evil overlords amongst you I would build a fleet of cheap 1 turn battle cruiser and amass them near a warp point. I would the send a message saying "My forces are preparing to wipe you out in the "xxx" system. We merely await your demise!" Then upon when they attack said fleet and discover they were decoys I would send in my real nasty fleet
31. While allies can be useful at times, always remember: If they show the slightest sign of weakness, wipe their putrid stench from the galaxy. After all, they were just waiting for the opportunity to do the same to you.
32. To prevent your enemies from discovering the location of your homeworld, put an innocuous looking "This storm appears to be opaque to most scanners" storm over it
33. Never underestimate the power of stellar manipulation. A good cloaked star killer parked in orbit around your enemies sun is worth a 100 ships on that systems Warp Point.
34. A "explorer ship" is a prelude to an invasion fleet; destroy any such ships that enter your space.
35. Treaties are meant to be broken
36. A cloaked star killer parked in orbit of you ally's sun is worth more than one around your enemy's
37. Obscuring storms are good places to build star bases and fleets. Especially if that storm is in an enemy's system.
38. Capturing and analyzing an enemy colony ship is cheaper than researching a new colony technology.
39. Having an enemy race that breathes the same atmosphere as you is a good excuse for jettisoning captured population in to space.
40. When you laugh, use your diaphragm. MUHAWHAWHAWHAW!! (And always use at least two exclamation points)
41. Make a ship set that's entirely black. (That's so evil it's cheating)
41 a. True Evil Overlord has a full and total control of the pictures/races directory on his computer and is completely immune to such puny attempts.
42. I will acknowledge that there are actual threats that may be lurking in the least welcoming corners of space, waiting to endanger my Empire (and above all, my life). Therefore, I will set up a very tight blockade around any red nebulae that happens to be too close to my worlds for my liking. Mines and spy ships are to be deployed in the wormholes leading to such nebulas, for there is no way of detecting an enemy ship in the mist of the interference of such systems. As soon as the technology is available, I am to close the wormholes leading to these awful systems, while keeping a close eye on any wormhole being opened directly to this nebula.
43. I will remember that having too big an Empire is ground for being declared "Mega Evil Empire", especially if I am regarded as being a successful Evil Overlord. Therefore, I will do my best to hide the true strength of my Empire, while maintaining the façade of a peaceful and enlightened leader. Obviously, I will not appear as a weakling either, since I would then be a likely target for another would-be Overlord. If my Empire seems to be the most powerful in the galaxy, paranoia is the wisest course of action to take, as your allies might be plotting to bring you down as you are reading these lines.
44. If I ever happen to have the slightest doubt about something, don't. Only a lunatic Overlord would take any chance when it can be avoided by careful planning, and so I will gather the best intelligence available fore making any move. Thus I will create the Space Patrol to act as cannon fodder and suicidal reconnaissance, and these bold scouts going where angels fear to tread will mostly be my too intelligent advisors and other threats to national security (and to my own hide, obviously).
45. Research will be my sole priority, for even vast numbers of ships will avail little if they cannot hit the enemy or do any significant damage. I will not consider giving my technology away to petty allies and cunning foes either, but instead I will do my best to find a weakling ruler willing to enter a unilateral technological exchange with my Empire. In exchange for my protection, this Empire will focus on specific areas for my exclusive benefit, areas not critical if possible. (It would not do, for example, if my partner decided to give away on a whim the secrets of the fabled Stellar Destruction device to my arch-nemesis)
46. I will always remember that obscuring storms are useless against scanner technology and not base my entire strategy on my Fleet of Doom lurking invisible in one.
47. When my wonderful citizens are under attack on colony ships and transports I will overrule any sort of command/coup/uprising and order them to ram the enemy ships. A couple million Citizens is nothing compared to saving my illustrious reign (and hide)
48. Always trade ships with either no engines or no weapons
49. I'll welcome rulers who are willing to trade with me. But I'll ascertain that hypnotic code, which forces my partner to accept trade without viewing for details, is included into trade message. After that I'll put all the partner's planets, ships and techs to my Want list. Square deals should be favorable for me, first of all.
50. Never over look diplomacy. It can be a useful tool for your empire in your quest to rule the universe.
51. War is a game of chess that neither sides is trained to play well at the onset, but as time progresses, tactics and strategies are learned until finally one side will have the knowledge to win. And in the future, if they fail to employ the lessons they have learned in one war in the next, then they are doomed to serve in heaven while their dead enemies rule in hell.
52. I will never refer to myself in the third person. It is a sure sign of psychosis and if I do so I will immediately seek professional help
52 A. Number 52 should read as: His Supreme Eminence will never refer to himself in the third person. It is a sure sign of psychosis, but anyone who dares to make such accusations will be executed.
53. While following a fixed schedule is very fine, I shall not strictly abide by it. Even the best of my plans can be countered; giving my crafty foes the window of opportunity they sought. Likewise, I will strive to remain unpredictable, as information is a powerful weapon to be used against my rule.
54. I will keep in mind not everybody is as perfect as myself. Therefore, I will handle everything happening in my Empire, leaving trifling matters such as the color of my ships to the care of AI’s. Besides, my Councilors will be entrusted with most of my knowledge, although they’re poor minds does not allow them to grasp all that they learnt. In other words, I will give them wrong information, in case they decided to turn traitor.
55. Likewise, I will not be too open about my secrets when I need to let my allies into my cunning schemes. Instead, I will feed them with partial truths and contradictory statements, allowing me to know if they compared their notes. If it is so, I will know they are too talkative, and will not put any trust in them.
56. I will apply the "Worst Case Scenario" approach to every problem. In the previous example, I would consider that the allies who did not openly react to my bogus information are not trustworthy. Indeed, they did not ask me to clarify my data, and so are not sincere enough and will not report to me anything out of the ordinary. (It could also mean these allies are too honest to share their knowledge with their other partners; but I have no use for such allies.)
57. Besides, the said communications will be based on SEIV diplomatic system, where you can choose between various actions and select your tone. I will not give the envoy the leisure to write their own messages however, lest they should manage to bewitch me through the clever use of words.
58. I will remember that Murphy's Law applies everywhere in the galaxy, and so will take appropriate measures to lessen its impact. Therefore, I will not put a single Quantum Reactor in my war fleets, for the ship powered by this fabled device will be the first one to be destroyed in a battle. (Or even by a rogue asteroid, or other such hazards)
59. When dealing with my allies, I will remember to follow the basic rules of diplomacy. What I give to them will be as precise as possible, while my own demands should be as vague as you can get. Thus I will grant my partner the right to colonize Solaris III, the Gas Giant orbiting Solaris Major, whose characteristics are as follow:
- Diameter: 142,984 km
- Planetary Mass: 1.89x1027 kg
- Average Distance from the Sun: 5.203 AU
- Atmospheric Composition: Mostly Hydrogen and Helium.
(And so on) In exchange, I will ask to be allowed to colonize a few planets in their systems.
60. Major Displays of your power can be achieved by constructing masses of only the BIGGEST Hulls available to you. Nothing says "Evil Overlord!" like 20 battle moons hovering over an enemies planet (It also helps that these massive displays of power can fight back!)
61. In the Universe nothing is "Pro Bono" if Empire A sincerely wishes to help you with no strings attached/threats/requests or Star Destroyers hovering in your space then you must either...
61 a. Go to bed, "One more turn Syndrome" is bad enough, sleep deprivation making you believe a declaration of war is such a request is entirely another.
61 b. Thank them courteously, inform all the other empires that Empire A's enemies (Empire B) intend to betray them all. This will force a pre-emptive strike on Empire B allowing you to take the Foolish Empire A intact for your own wicked purposes/desires/fetishes/do we need to say anymore Captain Kirk wannabe?
61 c. If both of these make no sense you are obviously an ancient evil twisted emperor who rules with an iron fist...But builds ships with exposed exhaust ports and suspended walkways with no railings. You have become one with the force and George Luca's bad script writing *shudder*
62. When first encountering a new alien race, kill first then ask questions later. They must know you mean business (and the whole universe is yours anyway)
63. If reasonably possible, force enemy populations to surrender. Then, when the inevitable rebellion occurs, you can wipe out a few billion of the aliens; both to crush the rebellion, and show your power to your people. This display will, of course, forestall any rebellion by your own population, with the added bonus of killing a few billion filthy aliens!
64. Everyone who posts on this thread is your sworn enemy.
64 a. As is everyone else
65. I will put a strong emphasis on exploration and discovery of alien races, as all knowledge regarding my enemies has to be obtained as quickly as possible. As an added bonus, it will allow me to go to war with the said alien race all the sooner, without hopefully an ally around to help them. It is worth mentioning the aforementioned exploration will be carried over by my most intelligent councilors, as I do not want them to remain anywhere near the seat of power. They might have a few fancy notions about who should rule *my* Almighty Empire after all.
66. No matter how developed my ego is, I will focus on efficiency rather than on displaying my wealth/power/technological prowess. Therefore, I will not dabble in building a Sphere world with no less than 240 Cultural Centers when an enemy fleet is bombarding my palace. In other circumstances, I will think twice before building Baseships with massive-mounted weaponry and no Quantum Reactor or additional supply storage, even if such ships would be quite a sight to behold.
67. Despite my undying love for ships able to dash damage, death, decay and destruction (and other nice words starting with D) on a grand scale, I will not overlook the need for Repair Bays and a space yard or two. My Invincible Armada is not that useful when all the ships have been disabled during a skirmish. Similarly, if I find that the cravens I am fighting have taken up the habit of boarding all my ships, a space yard would allow me to add a Security Station or two on every single ship of the fleet. Thus I will be spared the embarrassment of losing twelve Battle moons (each requiring two whole *years* to be completed) to a force of twelve lowly Escorts equipped with two Boarding Parties V each.
68. My very first decision as an Evil Overlord will be to assert my claims on the whole galaxy through the Borders window. After all, my Empire does not have any border, for its boundary is the end of the universe itself. Thanks to my outstanding intellect, I will be able to claim ownership of systems I have yet to visit, even if such a move might slightly upset the bloodthirsty Talisman-wielders. (They were dwelling in their holy haven, which unfortunately happened to be seven sectors away from my palace. How annoying.)
69. I will take up learning the Drow tongue to name my ships (or any similar language that isn't widely known), so as to make my design names as hard to figure out as possible. I will be using a naming scheme based on various irrelevant data, such as the position of the four moons orbiting my homeworld at a given moment or my latest fancy. Due to this, I might send in the "Mrimmd'ssinss" Stellar Manipulation ship to make a recon in an enemy system rather than the "Mrannd'ssinss" Explorer ship, but I deem such a problem to be worth the headaches my design names will bring to my foes.
70. As my memory is not as good as it used to be, I will store all I need to remember in my fleets' name, as nobody can know what secrets lay there in the open. A typical fleet name will be: "Invading Fleet, composed of 77 warships and 14 support ships. Spouse's birthday on November 14th. These silly aliens cannot read what I am writing on them, even while the knowledge needed for them to save their hides is displayed here. Work meeting tomorrow at 9 am. A Stellar Destroyer is in the fleet to destroy the alien's home system. Buy something to eat when going back home tonight." As shown in the previous example, I may taunt my enemies to my leisure as well, although it does seem pointless since they will not know about it.
71. If you ever capture the leader of an enemy empire, and they demand a fair trial, give it to him. That way, the populace is kept happy, because even to your most hated enemy you are fair and just, and if he's convicted and sentenced to death, well, all the better. However, if for some reason he is acquitted of his crimes, have a backup plan ready. As the enemy is going on his merry way from your supreme court, ensure that a suitable "accident" befalls him. For example, a meteor falling from the sky escapes your detection and crushes the car he's traveling in. Whatever you do, make sure he's dead, and can never oppose you again.
72. I will give up only one secret to my success as an Evil Emperor. If anyone asks me what that secret is, I will point to Rule number 72.
73. I will always be suspicious of a planet that bears the words "abundance of carnivorous flora" in its description and yet, is reported to have "optimal" conditions.
74. I will note that the flavor of Phong is reminiscent of sharp cheddar.
75. Trust No one.
76. Always get your agreements in writing
77. Cover thy own arse and keep a written record of all communications. You never know when they will come in handy.
78. Never pi** off the leader of an empire that is larger than yours. The out come of that could be bad.
79. Treaties with neutral allies are made to be broken.
80. If they resist, kill them. All of them.
81. Rioting populations are worthless. If they will not work, kill them.
82. A pound of prevention is worth a brick of gold. People are productive when they are happy so keep them happy.
83. Deploying mines in orbit around your worlds when your empire is young can offer a world of protection cheaply.
84. When allies open a warp point into the very heart of your empire, the time for peace has ended.
85. The golden rule is, "He with stellar manipulation makes the rules."
86. When faced with overwhelming odds, a well-placed insult to your enemies can be a most rewarding experience.
"Your mate is so large we can target her from orbit!"
"Your diplomat was an excellent meal, please send more."
"Your ships are so poorly constructed that they are good for only one thing, target practice."
"I would rather kill my entire family then allow them to lay eyes upon your ugly alien face."
87. When all else fails, apologize and beg forgiveness. Empire. Please spare us." Then commit suicide and turn your empire over to a real leader.
88. A single ship with an educated and trained crew is worth 10 ships without.
89. Phased Poloron Beams are heavily over rated!
90. Isolation and system gravitational generators are an insurance policy against invasion.
91. When you have the imitative, never relent.
92. Nice guys do finish last.
93. If your enemy’s planets are undefended, well then attack and destroy them!
94. If you run around with cloaked mine layers laying mines in your enemies space resulting him loosing ships while traveling through his inner most warp points.
95. If you do #94, remember to also place Cloaked Spy Satellites in all of your enemy's systems so you can gleefully watch as his ships skitter around innocuous warp points, fearing your deadly minefields
96. With mines it becomes so easy - just keep laying them at key warp points and they keep flying their ships into them. When they lose a large number at once its invasion time.
Cloaked minelayers are even better - with quantum generator (unlimited fuel) and a well hidden shipyard with cargo space i.e. generate mines in nearby nebula then you’re cloaked mine layers can restock there instead of traveling back to one of you’re planets. It can be useful for generating invasion fleets - having said ship fall through a spatial anomaly is also fund - invade from other side of map. Another rule is to protect key systems with several layers of mines around warp points i.e. a grid of 3 by 3 incorporating said grid - the enemy gets really confused.
97. You build a hidden base with cargo storage within an enemy controlled nebula for the sole purpose of restocking your cloaked fleet of mine layers that are laying mines deep within your enemy’s space.
98. Always considered unknown planets and systems to be your territory and upon colonizing these worlds enslave the population. After all, how dare they be on your worlds before you ever knew they existed!
99. Always assume that your password is known and change it regularly.
100. Kill any one who has read this list. No sense in allowing the competition to gain the upper hand.
101. If the enemy fleet runs from combat with your ships, by all means follow and obliterate them. But at all times beware; watch for an ambush.
102. The ship names are a potentially valuable source of intelligence as to the size of your fleet. Change them!
102a. Besides, who wants to refer to their mighty ships as Blaster 00023 when you can give it such names as Minor Disagreement or Point of Contention. You're an Evil Ruler; you've got an image to maintain.
102b. Despite this do NOT name a ship Invincible. It’s just asking for it to get blown up.
103. Never push the big red button with text saying, "do not push this button" unless you want really bad things to happen... Wait a minute, you are an evil ruler, bad things are great. Go ahead, press it!
104 Use ships names to deceive the enemy: Frigate 0039, while you actually have only 10 frigates.
105. Troops are a cheap expendable and renewable resource. Use and abuse them.
106. Drones are useful weapons when deployed against a planet with no defenses.
107. Never turn your back on your enemy
108. Never give your enemy a loaded gun expecting him to the single bullet you chambered on himself. He would much rather shoot you and watch you die then die a quick death himself.
109. If you are going to give your enemy a gun make damn sure you do not give him his own gun.... he might have a spare clip full of bullets in which case your ass is toast.
110. Never waste time gloating over your fallen enemy, just shoot him and be done with it.
Compiled by Atrocities.
Copyright © by the author, posted with permission.
Published on: 2005-03-31 (3561 reads)[ Go Back ] - [ Humor Lists ] - [ Content Home ]